Have you ever thought to yourself “everything in my life would go just fine if I didn’t have to deal with people?”  People are difficult, or more accurately, people are different, and that’s what makes them difficult.

I’ve been exposed to difficult people from birth.  It’s a legacy thing.  My family is passing it down from one generation to the next.  That started my fascination with difficult people.  Difficult people are the topic of many conversations, and more than one of us has lost sleep about difficult people.  Here are some of the keys to making your difficult people encounters go smoother.

It’s not about you.

This is one of the hardest principles for people to get, but the most valuable.  The reason it is challenging is that you don’t have to do anything different; you have to think different.  You are an innocent bystander to his* issues or bad behaviors.  Picture yourself thinking “wow, that’s fascinating” every time you have to deal with a difficult person.  Mean what you are thinking, (and don’t accidentally say it out loud!) and you will find yourself behaving differently because you are not taking it personally.

This is critical for true empathy.  And until you show a difficult person empathy, he is likely to escalate to get your attention or until you “get” what his issue is.  It’s amazing how calm people can get if you can truly take the time to understand things from their perspective.

And remember, he has this behavior because at some point in his life, it worked for him.  He won’t change until he realizes it’s no longer working.  Some people are introspective and get this early on.  Others get into their 70’s and 80’s and don’t understand how they create difficult situations.

Make him feel important

The easiest way to do this is to give him 100% of your attention.  You want him to “feel” that his concerns and what he is saying are important.  This is not the time for people to “feel like a number.”

Set limits

Regardless of who a person is that does not give him the right to be abusive.  If language or behaviors step over the line, tell him, and tell him what the conditions are for resuming the conversation.  Keep in mind, your point is to set a limit, not teach a lesson.  It’s not your job to make him “get” how difficult he is.  It’s your job to establish what types of conversations in which you are willing to engage.

Listen

With all the communication tools we have, people still feel unheard.  Make sure your body language and facial expressions say you are listening.

Are you facing the person?

Are you giving him eye contact?

Are you taking notes (shows what he is saying is important enough to keep notes on so you don’t forget anything)

Are your arms and/or legs crossed (sends the message you are “closed” to what he is saying)

Ask questions

Asking questions is one of the best ways to show you are interested.  The hardest part of asking questions is our own attitude.  If we are tired or irritated, we often don’t want to know more.  This is especially true if we’ve been on the receiving end of his difficult behavior on multiple occasions.

The best questions are open ended-questions that give the opportunity for the person to give you information.  Stick with questions that begin with “how” and “what”, they are the least confrontational and will give you a lot of information.  Avoid questions that begin with “why.”  When we were kids, “why” meant one thing when we asked a question and another thing when it was asked of us.  For example:

  • “Why didn’t you clean your room?”
  • “Why did you you go outside barefoot?”
  • “Why did you skip school today?”

We learned quickly that “why” meant we were in trouble and likely there was no “right” answer to “why.”  Many of us still get defensive when we hear a question beginning with “why.”  To prevent that from becoming an obstacle to communication, I recommend avoiding “why” questions when it comes to peoples actions or thoughts.  (In the manufacturing world, “why” questions can be VERY effective at challenging processes.)

Summarize

This is a great way to let him know that you’ve been listening.  The notes you’ve been taking can really come in handy for this.  One physician I went to recently brought her laptop into the patient room.  She then took notes on everything I said and summarized it at the end.  When she said, “Do you have anything to add?” I was speechless.  She’d captured everything.

Dealing with difficult people can put a sour note on an otherwise fabulous day.  Years ago, one of my most challenging customer’s was a man named Mr. Heller.  My co-workers and I decided he was trying to live up to his name.  But everything changed when one of my co-workers bet me that he could make Mr. Heller his friend faster than I could.  I took on the challenge, but both of us took on new attitudes.  We did everything we could to be super nice and win over Mr. Heller.  Though we planned to win, we were both shocked when Mr. Heller surprised us with a 6-pack of beer one Friday evening.  It seems we’d all won.

Getting better at dealing with difficult people situations can only improve how your day goes.  Sometimes I wish I could hold a mirror up to people or show them a video tape of how they just treated someone.  But that’s not realistic.  What is realistic is looking for ways to see the differences instead of the difficulties and remember “it’s not about you.”

*One pronoun, “he”, is being used for ease of writing.  The person could be male or female.

To drop your stress levels with co-workers, employees, or customers, contact Marian Madonia to have a 1/2-Full Day jam-packed session on “How to Deal with Difficult People.”