I met a business colleague that I’d lost touch with for lunch yesterday. As often happens with people you have a connection with, we moved fluidly from topic to topic. When we got to the subject of friends, I found myself surprised to be on the receiving end of my own sentiments coming from the mouth of another person.
“When do you draw the limit on friends that you call, but who never initiate calls to you?” He asked me. “Is it 3 calls or 4? Do we need to tell them the rules? How do you know when it’s time to just move on to a new friendship, maybe one that reciprocates better?”
I had the same questions, but I didn’t have the answers. What are the rules for friendship? Some friendships seem to be reciprocated easily, yet others, it seems that the friends fall into the role of caller and callee. Is it because we are all so busy? Is it because we make it easy on people who don’t call? Or is this life and sometimes, to keep a friendship going, one of us becomes the caller and the other the callee.
My friend and I chuckled as we realized that we had both allowed ourselves to wonder “Are they tryin to tell me something?” “Am I a bore?” “Are they indifferent to me?” “Do I smell?”
But wait a minute, we are both cool people, we’ve got a great sense of humor, we’re smarter than most, and we’re go getters for sure. We’re also both pretty easy going and forgiving. Is that a bad thing? Maybe nasty would be better “you no good bum! If you don’t pick up the phone and call me the next time, our friendship is over!” Ugh! I know that works for some, but that is definitely not me.
So is it time to move on to new friendships? I am reminded about once a quarter via email that friends come into your life “for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Maybe these were seasonal friends. But what if they are lifetime friends and they need me? Maybe I’m supposed to stay in touch because they need me more than I realize and my calls are reassuring.
Or maybe friends need a universal reminder. What if a big ad agency took over and started creating commercials for friends? Someone could do a commercial like the one in the 80’s that asked if parents knew where their kids were. It could sound like “It’s February 7, 2009, do you know where your friends are?” Maybe AT&T would snatch that one up. Or maybe Verizon could have the network show up outside someone’s front door “Hey you, can you hear us now? Your network is here…where’s your best friend? We don’t think you’ve connected with him/her lately.” Or how about Nike? Show someone jogging. “When you’re done with your run…Just do it! Pick up the phone and call a friend.”
I remember the spouse of a friend, at the time in his 70’s, telling me that he didn’t mind that he was the one that initiated most of the calls to his friends. I was in my mid twenties and he was the wealthiest man I’d ever known. I smiled as I thought to myself “if I had a rich friend, I’d call him all the time!” I asked him if he minded that his phone didn’t ring. He said, “it’s my job to call. I know they love me, I can tell by how happy they are to hear from me when I call.”
I decided that if it wasn’t too good for him to stay in touch, then it’s not too good for me to stay in touch. That’s my excuse for why I keep calling friends that haven’t picked up the phone to call me in a while. They are busy with kids, spouses, older parents, a job that demands too much, plus all the rest of their lives. I’m busy too, but my extensive business travel gives me the luxury of being able to call while I’m driving from city to city or once I’ve gotten to my hotel room in the evening. I can say for sure that my friends have always made me feel good when I hear how happy they are to hear from me. That’s how I know that they love me.
If you happen to be the callee in one or more of your friendships, consider giving those friends a call just to tell them they were on your mind. It would probably mean more to them than you’ll ever know. And if you happen to be the caller…know you’re not alone. There’s a few of us that will keep on dialing, because that’s what we do.
But every once in a while, I wouldn’t mind being the callee.
