Focus on what you can control instead of what you can’t.
We are control freaks. We’d like to be able to control everything that happens to us and around us. After all…if we were in control…this earth wouldn’t have the problems that it does. Would it?
But as much as we’d like to control things, there are only two things on this planet over which we have control. We can control what we think and what we do. That’s it. That’s all that we can control. Everything else around us can be influenced by what we think or do, but nothing else can be controlled.
When you focus on what you can’t control, you create DRAMA. That’s right; Drama Kings and Queens out there are focused on the past instead of moving on. They are focused on what they can’t control about an event instead of what they can’t control. Everyone likes a good story, but if you’re not teaching or laughing (or trying to create laughter) when you tell a tale, then you are probably still caught up in the drama of it all.
Focusing on what you can and can’t control is the technique that I use over and over and have to remind myself of over and over. I especially needed to call on this technique, just two days before I left for a vacation.
I went to the gym about 5:30 in the evening on a Tuesday. An hour and a half later, I’d completed my workout and headed for home. When I got out to my car, I was pretty frustrated by the driver who’d decided to park next to me. The person had parked so close, that they were literally inches away from my car door. There was no way I was going to get be able to get in through the driver’s side!
So there I was pacing in the parking lot and having an argument with the driver of the other car regarding his/her ability to park. Of course, the argument was one sided as the driver of the other car was absent and likely in the gym having a great workout and oblivious no doubt to how inconvenienced I was.
The fact is, I can’t control how somebody else parks. Having an argument with myself in the parking lot is not going to solve the problem. Even if he/she was there, arguing with him/her would likely not solve the problem. Because really…the only problem was that I needed to get into my car. I’d prefer to use the driver side…but not being able to get in the car is the real problem.
As for getting into my car, I got in through the passenger side and crawled over to the driver’s side. I got settled in my seat and noticed that something wasn’t right. The plastic on the top of the steering column was pushed up. I didn’t recall hitting it with my gym bag when I got out of the car. Then when I went to put the key in the ignition, I noticed that it too didn’t look right. It was pushed way in. I tried to recall whether I’d gotten out of the car in a hurry or had been rough with my key. I’d been in a great easy-going mood all day, so that didn’t even make sense.
I’m amazed at how slowly it dawned on me what might have happened. I started my car and backed it up 5 feet so I could get out of the driver’s side and look at the car. Just then a buddy from the gym, Aaron, yelled over and asked if I was o.k. I said, “I’m not sure…I think someone tried to steal my car.”
Aaron ran over to me and looked at the driver’s door lock and said…”It’s been pushed in. Someone definitely tried to steal your car.”
After dealing with the police, I drove home and packed for my vacation. It wasn’t easy, but I can’t control that someone tried to steal my car. I can control calling my insurance company. I can control whether I lock my car (I do), what I leave on the seats (nothing), and where I park (that’s going to change!). I did everything possible to protect myself. I even have a car alarm. I controlled what I could. I can only control my attitude and my actions. I could let the situation live rent free in my head for weeks, and tell every friend and acquaintance what happened to me (ok…I did tell a few because I could make them laugh as I imitated myself moving and talking in slow motion to demonstrate how slowly it dawned on me that my car was nearly stolen). Or I could go on with my life. The fact is that the car being broken into is now in the past. All the pacing, and talking about it, and thinking about it, is not going to change the fact that my car had been broken into.
Does it stink? Yeah, it stinks. I have a $500 deductible, so I had to spend $500 bucks fixing my car instead of investing in my business or fixing my house. But how you spend your minds time thinking about something is how you determine what kind of day, week, or life you are going to have. I could spend all my time thinking about how much it stinks or I can spend my time thinking “What do I need to learn from this?” or “What will I do differently?” and “When and how will I get the car fixed?”
Understanding the difference between what I can and can’t control has been the single biggest influence on changing my life for the positive. I wasted precious many years focusing on things I couldn’t control, instead of how I’d influence the future. How much of our stress do you think comes from trying to control the uncontrollable? I think most of it. In our minds, we’re trying to find a solution for something that has no solution because we focused on what we can’t control instead of what we can control.
How about you? How much energy do you give the past? How much of your life do you miss out on because your arguing whether your company shouldn’t have changed a procedure or policy, or your co-worker “borrowed” something of yours, or someone cut you off in traffic or “stole” your parking spot at the mall, or someone didn’t keep a promise, or the line in the store is longer than you have time for, or one of your kids dyed his or her hair blue. All of these are things we can’t control. We have to focus on the things we can control. What am I going to do or think in response to this situation that might help influence and cause a different result (even if the difference is just in my sanity)?
What do you need to do differently or think differently that might change your life?
(For ease of reading, I’m going to use “he” as the pronoun for what follows).
Let’s go back to my would-be car thief. Picture the thief sitting in my driver’s seat feverishly trying to hot-wire my car. Suddenly, a Jeep comes flying into the parking space right next to my car. The thief is afraid he’s been caught, so he opens the driver’s door to run. But the driver’s door won’t open past the door jam. He’s stuck. His only option is to crawl over the passenger seat, get out that door and run! I wish I had a video of the whole thing. I bet the would-be thief was scared senseless when he realized he was trapped in the driver’s side of my car. And that person who parked too close to me? I don’t think he inconvenienced me. I think he saved my car from being stolen.
